It's been nearly 6 years since I've posted...time moves much to quickly.

The last few days I've been thinking a lot about my life. When I was 15 I remember thinking about how bad my life was, how isolated and lonely I often felt. But now, at 32, I feel this even more. When I was 15 I would spend hours writing, drawing, painting, KNOWING I was going to amount to something, full of youthful optimism and passion. At 32 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. There is no faith that I will become something I'm proud of, no passion, no creativity, just the ever constant voice in my head saying, "tomorrow is when I'll...", but I never do...I've been saying this for years. Literal years, and I have yet to practice yoga, yet to have an art show, yet to find purpose and BE something. There is no more passion in my life, no more zest for the unknown, no more comfort in myself just doing anything. I'm always searching for the thing that will light the passion, light the creativity, bring me back some of that vigor and curiosity for life.

At 15 there was not the 32 years of stacked rejection, critiques, and judgement. I felt like there was, but I didn't live like there was. Today, I live as if I've already been tossed aside, that everything I do is not enough, that nothing will get me to my desired outcome. All the voices telling me it's not good enough, or why do I even try whisper incessantly every time I make moves to do something more. And the guilt I feel everyday I don't is even worse.