Quitting

Smoking that is...

August 31st 2010: Operation "Quit Smoking" has started. I will be keeping a log of my progress, thoughts, cravings, and all other things associated with this task. Feel free to offer support and/or criticism. I however will warn you, criticism may result in your untimely death, so tread lightly my friends.

Day 1:
Nine hours in, minor cravings and mild irritation. These small stirrings may be due to the illness I believe has taken over my body. Fatigue, body pain and a general malaise has filled my day. Not what I wanted for my first real day back at school, but great for the operation at hand.

Note: drinking a ton of juice with (literally) thousands percent of the daily dosage of vitamin C may be effective to curb the illness, but does a number on the gastrointestinal tract.

More to come as the situation develops...the quitting, not the intestinal upset.

Ten and a half hours in: I see a cigarette I want a cigarette. Pretty sure my boyfriend was pissy with me earlier and hung up on me, or nearly hung up on me, or didn't hang up on me at all...regardless, I kind of want to call him and bitch...or maybe just ask him how he is, and if he chose to quit today too. Ah, mood swings. I'm also wondering, to BBQ or not to BBQ? Free food, potential exposure to cigarettes, forced social activity...it's too early to go to bed, only a quarter to 6 now. Hmm...there may be a pain in the throat...is that due to the lack of numbing by smoke, healing, or illness? Time will tell.

Fifteen hours in: I had 5 drags at a BBQ...I tried to curb the craving with a piece of nicotine gum and it just felt as if my mouth was going numb. Not to mention the insane urge to ram into the cars of people smoking cigarettes just to pry that smoldering deliciousness out of their mangled hands...too graphic? Well, this is quitting one of the worst addictions ever after all, cut me some slack, it's not like I would actually do it. Obvious observation: the gum sucks.

Also the boyfriend did quit today, he did much better than I. He recommends the patch, this will be the first order of business in the morn. Also, not pissed at me...the irrational mind of a withdrawing addict. At least I know I can make it through the night without caving.

Til then.

Day 2:

Went and picked up patches first thing this morning. I put one on about 10:30...had quite the reaction at first, and I'm feeling a bit light headed and a little queasy; I can't decide if eating would help or hinder. New weight loss program! I haven't had any cravings though, so I guess that's a good sign.

Thanks everyone for your support. All the literature I've read says to choose a time when there won't be a lot of added stress. First week of classes, why not? I work best under pressure. Also, I would love to have all your support through this, that means, if you smoke, please don't offer me cigarettes, please don't let me cave. I really need to succeed at this. I will tell a tale of why soon enough.

Til then...

4:11PM Just got done with both of my HHP classes of the day. Usually I want a cigarette after working out, and I do out of habit, but not because I feel any cravings. The patch is working! A side note about my women's self defense course: My instructor is an MMA fighter and doesn't believe in "defense" for a woman, he believes in teaching us to fight, this means I get to kick ass and get my ass kicked. Also, my partner (female) asked me "At what point would you be attacked in this position?" I responded, "When you are being raped." We then took to saying "I'm raping you, I'm raping you." whenever we got into position. New friend, I think so! Not to make light of rape, that's why I'm learning this shit, but it definitely made for a humorous go of spreading your legs for a stranger to "attack" you.

Overall, progress is being made and I feel really good about this non-smoking thing. My new friend, Merron...I don't know how to spell it, even mentioned she thinks I would enjoy a running/drinking group she does once a month. If all goes well I can run again, soon!

9 PM After a dinner heavy on carbs I sat on my Gramma's couch with the desire for a cigarette. I knew it was out of habit, and I let that thought resonate with me for a moment and then I moved on, and on I shall stay. I feel great, I'm really starting to wonder if along with the nicotine in this patch they add some happy chemical. I'm not complaining, but I feel too good for not smoking. I guess I will have to see how happy I am in 4 weeks when I've weened myself off the nicotine and am done with the patches. But for now, I like this.

I went to my Dad's house today to cut my brother's hair (should dad be capitalized?) and I, of course, asked my father the same question I always do. "Have you called about your X-Ray results yet?" and he, of course, responded as he always does' "No." Why is this exchange important? Well, my dad was diagnosed with emphysema years ago, he recently was laid of from his job and discovered that he is unable to work due to his illness. He is on inhalers and possibly other meds, but he, as far as I could tell had never been checked for lung cancer. I believe this is what the X-Rays were for. He doesn't want to know the results, and I assured him this is normal. I asked him if he had quit smoking yet, he said no. And this is when I had to get realistic with him. I told him that I want him around, I want him to take care of himself, and I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" As my family is prone to do, he made some comedic gestures accompanied by a joke. And I responded, "It's okay dad, I'll carry your oxygen tank down the aisle." he then walked out of the room, and my brother in his way said, "The funny part is, it's not a joke." My dad can no longer hold long conversations, he can't walk more than a block without resting, he can't lift or carry things, he can't hunt, he can barely bend over without losing his breath, he takes longer to eat because his breathing is so labored. This is the reason I am quitting. Not only so I can heal myself and live my life as fully as I want and need to, but because if I didn't quit I would be a hypocrite. I know that quitting smoking will not save my father, he already has an illness that will progress until he is dead, but I hope that by doing what I'm doing, and urging him to get the care he needs he will stay around that much longer. I was serious when I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" I don't know that this will ever happen, and I doubt I'll walk down any aisle, but I want my dad around to see me find someone who will love me, who will take care of me. I want to be able to share my joys in life with the man who did the best he could to assure that I was taken care of, and loved.

On that note, I'm going to bed. I'm going to leave the patch on because I've heard you can get some pretty crazy dreams while wearing one. Experimentation is fun!

Til tomorrow.

Day 3: Patch be damned! Worst night of sleep ever, and I didn't even get any cool dreams.

9:39 PM So, worst day so far. Cravings galore, irritation, and many more unpleasantries. I did however hear that cinnamon hits the same receptors as nicotine...don't know if I believe this, but I have been chewing cinna-gum all day. That may be the problem, who knows. All in all, today was a terrible day as far as quitting goes, but I didn't cave and I won't cave...but this fucking sucks. More tomorrow.

Day 4:

3:36PM Not too bad today, had my first beer with no major cravings. I think the patch on the belly works best for me, must get at the blood stream better or something. The boyfriend is doing great too. He changed the oil in my car sans patch, had troubles and didn't freak like I would have. He's great, not to mention pretty sexy covered in oil underneath my car.

I feel I'm settling into this thing a bit better/quicker than I initially anticipated, although yesterday was incredibly hard for me. By the end of the night I was in obsess mode, I had to get out of bed to find my phone, which is stupid, and I knew it was stupid, but I had to do it. I was also pretty freaking emotional and had to fight the urge to slink into a dark hole and hide out there until daybreak. All in all, I'm doing much better today, and anticipate many more days just like this.

Day 6:

8:44Pm I didn't post yesterday. It was easy for the most part, and then I went to the bar. This was my first bar outing since quitting, and it wasn't pleasant. It didn't help that I went after a griz game and everyone there was already annoyingly wasted. I don't particularly care for drunk people, I don't drink to the point of intoxication much anymore and it just grates on my nerves, not to mention all that damn smoke. It stinks, it's ugly, and it makes me want one so badly. But I didn't cave, I just went home after a quick catch-up with a girlfriend and two leisurely beers. I guess my life will be affected more than I thought. I knew the bars were a bad idea as far as temptation goes, but I didn't anticipate how irritated I would become at the weekend scene. Oh well, even better for my health and pocket book I guess. On to today.

I didn't feel the need to put a patch on, but did it out of fear and instruction. I don't know how much research these companies put into this stuff, but I think it could be a potential money ploy. I mean, six weeks on the first step, give me a break...maybe this IS the most effective way, and it has proven results, but it seems ridiculous to me. I have felt manic all day and I'm guessing it's due to the elevated heart rate that comes as a side effect. I don't think I will do six weeks of this shit, I would rather muster through the occasional craving and irrational outburst than feel like I'm going to puke for the first hour of my day, then feel light-headed and quick-hearted for the remainder. It reminds me of the times I dipped into depression and felt the calm mania wash over me, lethargy met with obsessive thoughts and the desire to do something "more", whatever that is. Today I have been on the verge of tears and/or outrage all day, for no good reason really. I don't know how much of this is due to this process and the help of the patch, and how much is just the fact that my life is in a state of flux and has been for the last three months and I'm really craving stability and an anchor. I'm missing my old life today. I'm missing the people I used to call friends, I'm missing the cigarette that used to comfort me in times like this, and I'm missing life in general. I feel like there is just a part of me that washed away in the last few days and in order to get it back I will have to wade through murky waters collecting grains and fragments and just hope that I will retrieve them all. Today, I truly do not want to go back to my grandmothers, I want quiet, I want tranquility, and I don't want to think that she is wondering why I'm not engaging her in conversation. That transition alone has been so hard on me and I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better about it. God, I could go on, but I think I'll stop spilling every detail of my life to whom ever reads this. I prefer subtle metaphor and enchanting painting through words...

Fin, for now.

Day 7:

4:45 Pm I went the first few hours of my day without a patch, I wanted to rip off peoples heads. I can't stand the patch, but it "helps" so much. It definitely curbs the urge to yell at people who don't deserve it, but if I just quit using it how long would it take for those things to subside on their own? I really want to go get the next step down, but I REALLY don't want to spend another $26 on little bits of sticky, chemically enhanced squares of plastic. I don't know...

Day 23 (if you want to call it that) I smoked part of a cigarette last night, 4 drags to be exact, it tasted awful and made me feel like I cheated on a partner. All in all a horrible experience, and I'm not going to lie, I want more. Right now. I feel like my world is falling apart and all I can do is sit back and watch the smoke rise from the rubble. Something was said to me tonight that took my back to a very dark place in my life. To a place I never thought I would crawl out of. I was thrown back into that cavern with four words. Logical me says that I have transcended that place, that I can just will my mind up and out and that all will be well...but the feeling in my chest, in my throat, knocking behind my eyes tells me that logic has no bearing here. It's probably a good thing I live with my grandmother and that self destruction isn't an option.