It's been nearly 6 years since I've posted...time moves much to quickly.
The last few days I've been thinking a lot about my life. When I was 15 I remember thinking about how bad my life was, how isolated and lonely I often felt. But now, at 32, I feel this even more. When I was 15 I would spend hours writing, drawing, painting, KNOWING I was going to amount to something, full of youthful optimism and passion. At 32 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. There is no faith that I will become something I'm proud of, no passion, no creativity, just the ever constant voice in my head saying, "tomorrow is when I'll...", but I never do...I've been saying this for years. Literal years, and I have yet to practice yoga, yet to have an art show, yet to find purpose and BE something. There is no more passion in my life, no more zest for the unknown, no more comfort in myself just doing anything. I'm always searching for the thing that will light the passion, light the creativity, bring me back some of that vigor and curiosity for life.
At 15 there was not the 32 years of stacked rejection, critiques, and judgement. I felt like there was, but I didn't live like there was. Today, I live as if I've already been tossed aside, that everything I do is not enough, that nothing will get me to my desired outcome. All the voices telling me it's not good enough, or why do I even try whisper incessantly every time I make moves to do something more. And the guilt I feel everyday I don't is even worse.
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Saturday, October 13, 2012
a simple veil
A simple veil shrouds me from society. The clouds that have been overhead all week aren't helping. Tonight is Friday, and I have spent it hoping my phone would light up with an invitation for adventure. It's been a long while since I have declared myself stagnant enough to put my action in the hands of another. I am typically the rouser (apparently not a word, but I will pretend I am Shakespeare for the moment...) of my compatriots. It's a rare feeling to allow my fate to something that I know will not transpire. It's like a warm blanket and a bottomless pit all at once. A warm bottomless pit of blankets...? I think that I need to fill my time with something, but having no deadlines or rules to regulate me, I find myself researching things on the internet, like how LSD was the death of God, and how if you can solve a simple word problem that has no relevance in real life that somehow makes you smarter than others. The internet is a vast fount of ridiculous knowledge, and I am truly mesmerized.
The end...or is it the beginning?
Knowing oneself may be the single hardest thing to do in the world.
The power of writing
Oft times I find myself in a state of reflection, attempting to synthesize what's happened in my life, the lessons I should learn from those things, and what my journey may look like in the immediate future. At current, I'm struggling to make logical connections between these elements. I tend to become most reflective when alone, alone without a partner to allow me some purpose outside of myself.
I've recently been thinking of the human condition and what that looks like in different societies. As a person who makes an income that is well below the poverty line in the United States, but also a person of great luck in that I have few bills, I'm still living a comfortable life. My biggest worries are dealing with the emotional stress of a terminally ill father, and my personal struggle to find happiness. Admittedly the former issue is one that holds some gravity, but as I'm a person who accepts the process of living and dying, the greatest struggle is with how to get all the legalities dealt with while he's still around to answer questions. Truly not that earth-shattering of a hardship. The latter issue, in comparison to what others have to endure is trite. Here I am with all of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs met, and I'm so consumed with myself I struggle with emotional happiness. Seriously? My life is so fulfilled I must search for reasons to work on my happiness, I have the time to wonder aloud what I need to do to find this. Aren't there greater struggles in the world I should be putting my time and thoughts toward? Yes there are.
I love writing...here, the synthesis has happened. The lesson: how to have purpose outside of yourself and to not be so self absorbed. The journey: volunteer, get out of your own space and head, live for others whatever that means.
I've recently been thinking of the human condition and what that looks like in different societies. As a person who makes an income that is well below the poverty line in the United States, but also a person of great luck in that I have few bills, I'm still living a comfortable life. My biggest worries are dealing with the emotional stress of a terminally ill father, and my personal struggle to find happiness. Admittedly the former issue is one that holds some gravity, but as I'm a person who accepts the process of living and dying, the greatest struggle is with how to get all the legalities dealt with while he's still around to answer questions. Truly not that earth-shattering of a hardship. The latter issue, in comparison to what others have to endure is trite. Here I am with all of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs met, and I'm so consumed with myself I struggle with emotional happiness. Seriously? My life is so fulfilled I must search for reasons to work on my happiness, I have the time to wonder aloud what I need to do to find this. Aren't there greater struggles in the world I should be putting my time and thoughts toward? Yes there are.
I love writing...here, the synthesis has happened. The lesson: how to have purpose outside of yourself and to not be so self absorbed. The journey: volunteer, get out of your own space and head, live for others whatever that means.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The Snow Flies and So Do You
It'll be a long winter without you
Cold feet and a shallow heart beat.
A heart seems to break harder when the weather turns harsher.
Your voice fills my ears and empties my soul
I only wanted you to pull me closer.
How to describe differently what has been written about for centuries?
A broken heart hurts the same, no matter the name.
A cold change
Heart beats, can't sleep
Tears stream, words scream
Faint smells bring me to my knees.
Returned your key to try to get you to agree things are not in line.
The time flies too slowly for my liking
The moon gleams to brightly to see the shadows that take you from me.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Not Knowing
Champagne sugar wouldn't do
She pretends chaos and sweat will discipline the monsters inside her
But tonight they were silent
Lethargic
Leaving her lost and drunk, pants-less in the yellow moon.
She pretends chaos and sweat will discipline the monsters inside her
But tonight they were silent
Lethargic
Leaving her lost and drunk, pants-less in the yellow moon.
Apathy
Wake child
Forest green perfume falls still on your bitter night
Time, tiny as a needle kiss
Seeps
Outraged by your rock-like eternity.
Forest green perfume falls still on your bitter night
Time, tiny as a needle kiss
Seeps
Outraged by your rock-like eternity.
Days Gone By
Clouds linger in this ghostly void
Haunting
Winged rhythms nest
Faint upon mountains of smoke.
What flew in these whispers
Was but a name,
Purple
Blue
Long lost to the shadowed sky.
Haunting
Winged rhythms nest
Faint upon mountains of smoke.
What flew in these whispers
Was but a name,
Purple
Blue
Long lost to the shadowed sky.
Saying goodbye
Trudge bitterly under black boiling rocks
moments ache asking for you
gone are those heady shows atop your bed
drunk dreams tell me the road I must take from here.
moments ache asking for you
gone are those heady shows atop your bed
drunk dreams tell me the road I must take from here.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My heart
Occasionally I forget my voice and get lost in my thoughts.
Today is one of those days.
I drift silently through the day wondering where I belong,
and why any of this matters.
To be faceless in a sea of people waiting to be seen.
My eyes cast down, my mind in the distance, searching.
I have a heart and I want it to be seen, to be shared.
No man wants it.
They want my heat, and my flesh,
my moans and my writhing.
my tongue and my mouth,
my legs and my hair,
my hips and my ass,
but not my heart.
And not my voice.
Unless it's sounds of passion.
Most women would stay to feel needed,
I have to feel needed to want to stay.
I tire easily of casual exchanges of passion,
they don't get me going like they used to,
there was a time I needed the release with a man I cared nothing for,
but now it just leaves me tired,
and bored,
knowing I can do better,
and they probably can't,
and don't care, because these men have no goals,
no desires beyond Friday night,
no need to yearn for more than their paychecks
and the life they already have.
I need more,
and not because my life is unfulfilled,
but because life is about more than what's in front of us,
more than what is at our fingertips.
Today is one of those days.
I drift silently through the day wondering where I belong,
and why any of this matters.
To be faceless in a sea of people waiting to be seen.
My eyes cast down, my mind in the distance, searching.
I have a heart and I want it to be seen, to be shared.
No man wants it.
They want my heat, and my flesh,
my moans and my writhing.
my tongue and my mouth,
my legs and my hair,
my hips and my ass,
but not my heart.
And not my voice.
Unless it's sounds of passion.
Most women would stay to feel needed,
I have to feel needed to want to stay.
I tire easily of casual exchanges of passion,
they don't get me going like they used to,
there was a time I needed the release with a man I cared nothing for,
but now it just leaves me tired,
and bored,
knowing I can do better,
and they probably can't,
and don't care, because these men have no goals,
no desires beyond Friday night,
no need to yearn for more than their paychecks
and the life they already have.
I need more,
and not because my life is unfulfilled,
but because life is about more than what's in front of us,
more than what is at our fingertips.
Words from another
Sometimes someone else says what you're feeling more clearly than you could ever do yourself.
A Renewal by James Merrill
Having used every subterfuge
To shake you, lies, fatigue, or even that of passion,
Now I see no way but a clean break.
I add that I am willing to bear the guilt.
You nod assent. Autumn turns windy, huge,
A clear vase of dry leaves vibrating on and on.
We sit, watching. When I next speak
Love buries itself in me, up to the hilt.
A Renewal by James Merrill
Having used every subterfuge
To shake you, lies, fatigue, or even that of passion,
Now I see no way but a clean break.
I add that I am willing to bear the guilt.
You nod assent. Autumn turns windy, huge,
A clear vase of dry leaves vibrating on and on.
We sit, watching. When I next speak
Love buries itself in me, up to the hilt.
Monday, February 28, 2011
In awe
Out of the forest,
after the moon,
our skin met beneath your crested ceiling,
our breath and blood fogging the window,
that moment...
Far gone now is that time,
we said goodbye last night,
you too apathetic about life to make a stance,
me too desiring of true companionship to let myself be content with what you had to offer,
which when we broke it down, wasn't much.
So here I sit
my skin soft from a shower,
naked, truly,
reading and writing poetry
and wishing for a moment when a man will look at me with a twinkle in his eye,
one that doesn't mean sex,
but one that means love.
after the moon,
our skin met beneath your crested ceiling,
our breath and blood fogging the window,
that moment...
Far gone now is that time,
we said goodbye last night,
you too apathetic about life to make a stance,
me too desiring of true companionship to let myself be content with what you had to offer,
which when we broke it down, wasn't much.
So here I sit
my skin soft from a shower,
naked, truly,
reading and writing poetry
and wishing for a moment when a man will look at me with a twinkle in his eye,
one that doesn't mean sex,
but one that means love.
Eventually all secrets come to light, unless it is a secret shared only with yourself. I'm no good at them, never have been. Secrets create deep rifts the longer they are kept. I will not forgive secrets, but I will forgive mistakes in judgment presented to me with honesty, hell, I'll even forgive events that weren't mistakes but scenarios created by intrigue and passion...as long as it's not kept from me. I'm an above ground sort of gal. We're all human, and as long we all respect each other as such I'll let just about anything slide.
I recently learned the truth about a matter that occurred a couple years ago, a matter that I had accurately guessed at mind you, but the fact that this secret was kept from me, by two people I have loved for great periods of my life, has ripped me up a bit. I will not act out in anyway, even though I want to, but my heart hurts. I will never be able to trust a certain friend again, ever. She recently expressed to me how happy she was we are in each others lives again, I can honestly say I don't know if this will continue. As for the other person, it's only one more fucking count against him, one more reason to despise the fibers he is made of, one more hit against me, telling me five years of my life, my love, was built on illusion and fallacy.
This is why secrets are for cowards. I will live proudly every day knowing that I am an honest person living with integrity and respect. These people live in card houses not knowing when the winds will change and their realities will fall.
I recently learned the truth about a matter that occurred a couple years ago, a matter that I had accurately guessed at mind you, but the fact that this secret was kept from me, by two people I have loved for great periods of my life, has ripped me up a bit. I will not act out in anyway, even though I want to, but my heart hurts. I will never be able to trust a certain friend again, ever. She recently expressed to me how happy she was we are in each others lives again, I can honestly say I don't know if this will continue. As for the other person, it's only one more fucking count against him, one more reason to despise the fibers he is made of, one more hit against me, telling me five years of my life, my love, was built on illusion and fallacy.
This is why secrets are for cowards. I will live proudly every day knowing that I am an honest person living with integrity and respect. These people live in card houses not knowing when the winds will change and their realities will fall.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Winter Wind
The air is thin and frigid, the consistency of sharp barbs. I feel like this place, this time, is slowly turning to mist and all I can do is give my already tenuous soul to it. With nothing to hold to I find my thoughts straying to other moments like this; ones in which I was cushioned from the frailty of the world by my reluctance to become tangled within it. There is a feeling within me, a pressure, a void, a vacuum. It's other-worldly, giving me continuous pause. I question my journey, my path, my past, my present, my unforgotten love and my desire to be whole again. Time stills, and hastens in the same instance.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Quitting
Smoking that is...
August 31st 2010: Operation "Quit Smoking" has started. I will be keeping a log of my progress, thoughts, cravings, and all other things associated with this task. Feel free to offer support and/or criticism. I however will warn you, criticism may result in your untimely death, so tread lightly my friends.
Day 1:
Nine hours in, minor cravings and mild irritation. These small stirrings may be due to the illness I believe has taken over my body. Fatigue, body pain and a general malaise has filled my day. Not what I wanted for my first real day back at school, but great for the operation at hand.
Note: drinking a ton of juice with (literally) thousands percent of the daily dosage of vitamin C may be effective to curb the illness, but does a number on the gastrointestinal tract.
More to come as the situation develops...the quitting, not the intestinal upset.
Ten and a half hours in: I see a cigarette I want a cigarette. Pretty sure my boyfriend was pissy with me earlier and hung up on me, or nearly hung up on me, or didn't hang up on me at all...regardless, I kind of want to call him and bitch...or maybe just ask him how he is, and if he chose to quit today too. Ah, mood swings. I'm also wondering, to BBQ or not to BBQ? Free food, potential exposure to cigarettes, forced social activity...it's too early to go to bed, only a quarter to 6 now. Hmm...there may be a pain in the throat...is that due to the lack of numbing by smoke, healing, or illness? Time will tell.
Fifteen hours in: I had 5 drags at a BBQ...I tried to curb the craving with a piece of nicotine gum and it just felt as if my mouth was going numb. Not to mention the insane urge to ram into the cars of people smoking cigarettes just to pry that smoldering deliciousness out of their mangled hands...too graphic? Well, this is quitting one of the worst addictions ever after all, cut me some slack, it's not like I would actually do it. Obvious observation: the gum sucks.
Also the boyfriend did quit today, he did much better than I. He recommends the patch, this will be the first order of business in the morn. Also, not pissed at me...the irrational mind of a withdrawing addict. At least I know I can make it through the night without caving.
Til then.
Day 2:
Went and picked up patches first thing this morning. I put one on about 10:30...had quite the reaction at first, and I'm feeling a bit light headed and a little queasy; I can't decide if eating would help or hinder. New weight loss program! I haven't had any cravings though, so I guess that's a good sign.
Thanks everyone for your support. All the literature I've read says to choose a time when there won't be a lot of added stress. First week of classes, why not? I work best under pressure. Also, I would love to have all your support through this, that means, if you smoke, please don't offer me cigarettes, please don't let me cave. I really need to succeed at this. I will tell a tale of why soon enough.
Til then...
4:11PM Just got done with both of my HHP classes of the day. Usually I want a cigarette after working out, and I do out of habit, but not because I feel any cravings. The patch is working! A side note about my women's self defense course: My instructor is an MMA fighter and doesn't believe in "defense" for a woman, he believes in teaching us to fight, this means I get to kick ass and get my ass kicked. Also, my partner (female) asked me "At what point would you be attacked in this position?" I responded, "When you are being raped." We then took to saying "I'm raping you, I'm raping you." whenever we got into position. New friend, I think so! Not to make light of rape, that's why I'm learning this shit, but it definitely made for a humorous go of spreading your legs for a stranger to "attack" you.
Overall, progress is being made and I feel really good about this non-smoking thing. My new friend, Merron...I don't know how to spell it, even mentioned she thinks I would enjoy a running/drinking group she does once a month. If all goes well I can run again, soon!
9 PM After a dinner heavy on carbs I sat on my Gramma's couch with the desire for a cigarette. I knew it was out of habit, and I let that thought resonate with me for a moment and then I moved on, and on I shall stay. I feel great, I'm really starting to wonder if along with the nicotine in this patch they add some happy chemical. I'm not complaining, but I feel too good for not smoking. I guess I will have to see how happy I am in 4 weeks when I've weened myself off the nicotine and am done with the patches. But for now, I like this.
I went to my Dad's house today to cut my brother's hair (should dad be capitalized?) and I, of course, asked my father the same question I always do. "Have you called about your X-Ray results yet?" and he, of course, responded as he always does' "No." Why is this exchange important? Well, my dad was diagnosed with emphysema years ago, he recently was laid of from his job and discovered that he is unable to work due to his illness. He is on inhalers and possibly other meds, but he, as far as I could tell had never been checked for lung cancer. I believe this is what the X-Rays were for. He doesn't want to know the results, and I assured him this is normal. I asked him if he had quit smoking yet, he said no. And this is when I had to get realistic with him. I told him that I want him around, I want him to take care of himself, and I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" As my family is prone to do, he made some comedic gestures accompanied by a joke. And I responded, "It's okay dad, I'll carry your oxygen tank down the aisle." he then walked out of the room, and my brother in his way said, "The funny part is, it's not a joke." My dad can no longer hold long conversations, he can't walk more than a block without resting, he can't lift or carry things, he can't hunt, he can barely bend over without losing his breath, he takes longer to eat because his breathing is so labored. This is the reason I am quitting. Not only so I can heal myself and live my life as fully as I want and need to, but because if I didn't quit I would be a hypocrite. I know that quitting smoking will not save my father, he already has an illness that will progress until he is dead, but I hope that by doing what I'm doing, and urging him to get the care he needs he will stay around that much longer. I was serious when I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" I don't know that this will ever happen, and I doubt I'll walk down any aisle, but I want my dad around to see me find someone who will love me, who will take care of me. I want to be able to share my joys in life with the man who did the best he could to assure that I was taken care of, and loved.
On that note, I'm going to bed. I'm going to leave the patch on because I've heard you can get some pretty crazy dreams while wearing one. Experimentation is fun!
Til tomorrow.
Day 3: Patch be damned! Worst night of sleep ever, and I didn't even get any cool dreams.
9:39 PM So, worst day so far. Cravings galore, irritation, and many more unpleasantries. I did however hear that cinnamon hits the same receptors as nicotine...don't know if I believe this, but I have been chewing cinna-gum all day. That may be the problem, who knows. All in all, today was a terrible day as far as quitting goes, but I didn't cave and I won't cave...but this fucking sucks. More tomorrow.
Day 4:
3:36PM Not too bad today, had my first beer with no major cravings. I think the patch on the belly works best for me, must get at the blood stream better or something. The boyfriend is doing great too. He changed the oil in my car sans patch, had troubles and didn't freak like I would have. He's great, not to mention pretty sexy covered in oil underneath my car.
I feel I'm settling into this thing a bit better/quicker than I initially anticipated, although yesterday was incredibly hard for me. By the end of the night I was in obsess mode, I had to get out of bed to find my phone, which is stupid, and I knew it was stupid, but I had to do it. I was also pretty freaking emotional and had to fight the urge to slink into a dark hole and hide out there until daybreak. All in all, I'm doing much better today, and anticipate many more days just like this.
Day 6:
8:44Pm I didn't post yesterday. It was easy for the most part, and then I went to the bar. This was my first bar outing since quitting, and it wasn't pleasant. It didn't help that I went after a griz game and everyone there was already annoyingly wasted. I don't particularly care for drunk people, I don't drink to the point of intoxication much anymore and it just grates on my nerves, not to mention all that damn smoke. It stinks, it's ugly, and it makes me want one so badly. But I didn't cave, I just went home after a quick catch-up with a girlfriend and two leisurely beers. I guess my life will be affected more than I thought. I knew the bars were a bad idea as far as temptation goes, but I didn't anticipate how irritated I would become at the weekend scene. Oh well, even better for my health and pocket book I guess. On to today.
I didn't feel the need to put a patch on, but did it out of fear and instruction. I don't know how much research these companies put into this stuff, but I think it could be a potential money ploy. I mean, six weeks on the first step, give me a break...maybe this IS the most effective way, and it has proven results, but it seems ridiculous to me. I have felt manic all day and I'm guessing it's due to the elevated heart rate that comes as a side effect. I don't think I will do six weeks of this shit, I would rather muster through the occasional craving and irrational outburst than feel like I'm going to puke for the first hour of my day, then feel light-headed and quick-hearted for the remainder. It reminds me of the times I dipped into depression and felt the calm mania wash over me, lethargy met with obsessive thoughts and the desire to do something "more", whatever that is. Today I have been on the verge of tears and/or outrage all day, for no good reason really. I don't know how much of this is due to this process and the help of the patch, and how much is just the fact that my life is in a state of flux and has been for the last three months and I'm really craving stability and an anchor. I'm missing my old life today. I'm missing the people I used to call friends, I'm missing the cigarette that used to comfort me in times like this, and I'm missing life in general. I feel like there is just a part of me that washed away in the last few days and in order to get it back I will have to wade through murky waters collecting grains and fragments and just hope that I will retrieve them all. Today, I truly do not want to go back to my grandmothers, I want quiet, I want tranquility, and I don't want to think that she is wondering why I'm not engaging her in conversation. That transition alone has been so hard on me and I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better about it. God, I could go on, but I think I'll stop spilling every detail of my life to whom ever reads this. I prefer subtle metaphor and enchanting painting through words...
Fin, for now.
Day 7:
4:45 Pm I went the first few hours of my day without a patch, I wanted to rip off peoples heads. I can't stand the patch, but it "helps" so much. It definitely curbs the urge to yell at people who don't deserve it, but if I just quit using it how long would it take for those things to subside on their own? I really want to go get the next step down, but I REALLY don't want to spend another $26 on little bits of sticky, chemically enhanced squares of plastic. I don't know...
Day 23 (if you want to call it that) I smoked part of a cigarette last night, 4 drags to be exact, it tasted awful and made me feel like I cheated on a partner. All in all a horrible experience, and I'm not going to lie, I want more. Right now. I feel like my world is falling apart and all I can do is sit back and watch the smoke rise from the rubble. Something was said to me tonight that took my back to a very dark place in my life. To a place I never thought I would crawl out of. I was thrown back into that cavern with four words. Logical me says that I have transcended that place, that I can just will my mind up and out and that all will be well...but the feeling in my chest, in my throat, knocking behind my eyes tells me that logic has no bearing here. It's probably a good thing I live with my grandmother and that self destruction isn't an option.
August 31st 2010: Operation "Quit Smoking" has started. I will be keeping a log of my progress, thoughts, cravings, and all other things associated with this task. Feel free to offer support and/or criticism. I however will warn you, criticism may result in your untimely death, so tread lightly my friends.
Day 1:
Nine hours in, minor cravings and mild irritation. These small stirrings may be due to the illness I believe has taken over my body. Fatigue, body pain and a general malaise has filled my day. Not what I wanted for my first real day back at school, but great for the operation at hand.
Note: drinking a ton of juice with (literally) thousands percent of the daily dosage of vitamin C may be effective to curb the illness, but does a number on the gastrointestinal tract.
More to come as the situation develops...the quitting, not the intestinal upset.
Ten and a half hours in: I see a cigarette I want a cigarette. Pretty sure my boyfriend was pissy with me earlier and hung up on me, or nearly hung up on me, or didn't hang up on me at all...regardless, I kind of want to call him and bitch...or maybe just ask him how he is, and if he chose to quit today too. Ah, mood swings. I'm also wondering, to BBQ or not to BBQ? Free food, potential exposure to cigarettes, forced social activity...it's too early to go to bed, only a quarter to 6 now. Hmm...there may be a pain in the throat...is that due to the lack of numbing by smoke, healing, or illness? Time will tell.
Fifteen hours in: I had 5 drags at a BBQ...I tried to curb the craving with a piece of nicotine gum and it just felt as if my mouth was going numb. Not to mention the insane urge to ram into the cars of people smoking cigarettes just to pry that smoldering deliciousness out of their mangled hands...too graphic? Well, this is quitting one of the worst addictions ever after all, cut me some slack, it's not like I would actually do it. Obvious observation: the gum sucks.
Also the boyfriend did quit today, he did much better than I. He recommends the patch, this will be the first order of business in the morn. Also, not pissed at me...the irrational mind of a withdrawing addict. At least I know I can make it through the night without caving.
Til then.
Day 2:
Went and picked up patches first thing this morning. I put one on about 10:30...had quite the reaction at first, and I'm feeling a bit light headed and a little queasy; I can't decide if eating would help or hinder. New weight loss program! I haven't had any cravings though, so I guess that's a good sign.
Thanks everyone for your support. All the literature I've read says to choose a time when there won't be a lot of added stress. First week of classes, why not? I work best under pressure. Also, I would love to have all your support through this, that means, if you smoke, please don't offer me cigarettes, please don't let me cave. I really need to succeed at this. I will tell a tale of why soon enough.
Til then...
4:11PM Just got done with both of my HHP classes of the day. Usually I want a cigarette after working out, and I do out of habit, but not because I feel any cravings. The patch is working! A side note about my women's self defense course: My instructor is an MMA fighter and doesn't believe in "defense" for a woman, he believes in teaching us to fight, this means I get to kick ass and get my ass kicked. Also, my partner (female) asked me "At what point would you be attacked in this position?" I responded, "When you are being raped." We then took to saying "I'm raping you, I'm raping you." whenever we got into position. New friend, I think so! Not to make light of rape, that's why I'm learning this shit, but it definitely made for a humorous go of spreading your legs for a stranger to "attack" you.
Overall, progress is being made and I feel really good about this non-smoking thing. My new friend, Merron...I don't know how to spell it, even mentioned she thinks I would enjoy a running/drinking group she does once a month. If all goes well I can run again, soon!
9 PM After a dinner heavy on carbs I sat on my Gramma's couch with the desire for a cigarette. I knew it was out of habit, and I let that thought resonate with me for a moment and then I moved on, and on I shall stay. I feel great, I'm really starting to wonder if along with the nicotine in this patch they add some happy chemical. I'm not complaining, but I feel too good for not smoking. I guess I will have to see how happy I am in 4 weeks when I've weened myself off the nicotine and am done with the patches. But for now, I like this.
I went to my Dad's house today to cut my brother's hair (should dad be capitalized?) and I, of course, asked my father the same question I always do. "Have you called about your X-Ray results yet?" and he, of course, responded as he always does' "No." Why is this exchange important? Well, my dad was diagnosed with emphysema years ago, he recently was laid of from his job and discovered that he is unable to work due to his illness. He is on inhalers and possibly other meds, but he, as far as I could tell had never been checked for lung cancer. I believe this is what the X-Rays were for. He doesn't want to know the results, and I assured him this is normal. I asked him if he had quit smoking yet, he said no. And this is when I had to get realistic with him. I told him that I want him around, I want him to take care of himself, and I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" As my family is prone to do, he made some comedic gestures accompanied by a joke. And I responded, "It's okay dad, I'll carry your oxygen tank down the aisle." he then walked out of the room, and my brother in his way said, "The funny part is, it's not a joke." My dad can no longer hold long conversations, he can't walk more than a block without resting, he can't lift or carry things, he can't hunt, he can barely bend over without losing his breath, he takes longer to eat because his breathing is so labored. This is the reason I am quitting. Not only so I can heal myself and live my life as fully as I want and need to, but because if I didn't quit I would be a hypocrite. I know that quitting smoking will not save my father, he already has an illness that will progress until he is dead, but I hope that by doing what I'm doing, and urging him to get the care he needs he will stay around that much longer. I was serious when I said to him, "What if I get married someday?" I don't know that this will ever happen, and I doubt I'll walk down any aisle, but I want my dad around to see me find someone who will love me, who will take care of me. I want to be able to share my joys in life with the man who did the best he could to assure that I was taken care of, and loved.
On that note, I'm going to bed. I'm going to leave the patch on because I've heard you can get some pretty crazy dreams while wearing one. Experimentation is fun!
Til tomorrow.
Day 3: Patch be damned! Worst night of sleep ever, and I didn't even get any cool dreams.
9:39 PM So, worst day so far. Cravings galore, irritation, and many more unpleasantries. I did however hear that cinnamon hits the same receptors as nicotine...don't know if I believe this, but I have been chewing cinna-gum all day. That may be the problem, who knows. All in all, today was a terrible day as far as quitting goes, but I didn't cave and I won't cave...but this fucking sucks. More tomorrow.
Day 4:
3:36PM Not too bad today, had my first beer with no major cravings. I think the patch on the belly works best for me, must get at the blood stream better or something. The boyfriend is doing great too. He changed the oil in my car sans patch, had troubles and didn't freak like I would have. He's great, not to mention pretty sexy covered in oil underneath my car.
I feel I'm settling into this thing a bit better/quicker than I initially anticipated, although yesterday was incredibly hard for me. By the end of the night I was in obsess mode, I had to get out of bed to find my phone, which is stupid, and I knew it was stupid, but I had to do it. I was also pretty freaking emotional and had to fight the urge to slink into a dark hole and hide out there until daybreak. All in all, I'm doing much better today, and anticipate many more days just like this.
Day 6:
8:44Pm I didn't post yesterday. It was easy for the most part, and then I went to the bar. This was my first bar outing since quitting, and it wasn't pleasant. It didn't help that I went after a griz game and everyone there was already annoyingly wasted. I don't particularly care for drunk people, I don't drink to the point of intoxication much anymore and it just grates on my nerves, not to mention all that damn smoke. It stinks, it's ugly, and it makes me want one so badly. But I didn't cave, I just went home after a quick catch-up with a girlfriend and two leisurely beers. I guess my life will be affected more than I thought. I knew the bars were a bad idea as far as temptation goes, but I didn't anticipate how irritated I would become at the weekend scene. Oh well, even better for my health and pocket book I guess. On to today.
I didn't feel the need to put a patch on, but did it out of fear and instruction. I don't know how much research these companies put into this stuff, but I think it could be a potential money ploy. I mean, six weeks on the first step, give me a break...maybe this IS the most effective way, and it has proven results, but it seems ridiculous to me. I have felt manic all day and I'm guessing it's due to the elevated heart rate that comes as a side effect. I don't think I will do six weeks of this shit, I would rather muster through the occasional craving and irrational outburst than feel like I'm going to puke for the first hour of my day, then feel light-headed and quick-hearted for the remainder. It reminds me of the times I dipped into depression and felt the calm mania wash over me, lethargy met with obsessive thoughts and the desire to do something "more", whatever that is. Today I have been on the verge of tears and/or outrage all day, for no good reason really. I don't know how much of this is due to this process and the help of the patch, and how much is just the fact that my life is in a state of flux and has been for the last three months and I'm really craving stability and an anchor. I'm missing my old life today. I'm missing the people I used to call friends, I'm missing the cigarette that used to comfort me in times like this, and I'm missing life in general. I feel like there is just a part of me that washed away in the last few days and in order to get it back I will have to wade through murky waters collecting grains and fragments and just hope that I will retrieve them all. Today, I truly do not want to go back to my grandmothers, I want quiet, I want tranquility, and I don't want to think that she is wondering why I'm not engaging her in conversation. That transition alone has been so hard on me and I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better about it. God, I could go on, but I think I'll stop spilling every detail of my life to whom ever reads this. I prefer subtle metaphor and enchanting painting through words...
Fin, for now.
Day 7:
4:45 Pm I went the first few hours of my day without a patch, I wanted to rip off peoples heads. I can't stand the patch, but it "helps" so much. It definitely curbs the urge to yell at people who don't deserve it, but if I just quit using it how long would it take for those things to subside on their own? I really want to go get the next step down, but I REALLY don't want to spend another $26 on little bits of sticky, chemically enhanced squares of plastic. I don't know...
Day 23 (if you want to call it that) I smoked part of a cigarette last night, 4 drags to be exact, it tasted awful and made me feel like I cheated on a partner. All in all a horrible experience, and I'm not going to lie, I want more. Right now. I feel like my world is falling apart and all I can do is sit back and watch the smoke rise from the rubble. Something was said to me tonight that took my back to a very dark place in my life. To a place I never thought I would crawl out of. I was thrown back into that cavern with four words. Logical me says that I have transcended that place, that I can just will my mind up and out and that all will be well...but the feeling in my chest, in my throat, knocking behind my eyes tells me that logic has no bearing here. It's probably a good thing I live with my grandmother and that self destruction isn't an option.
Monday, July 26, 2010
She sits, tears cascading turbulently down her cheeks. She wonders how she got here, to this place of pure petrification. Has she not been diligently working towards overcoming her demons, the monsters in her head?
Out her window shines a brilliant sunset, she leaves her stuffy room to enjoy this moment of beauty in her torrid world.
Out her window shines a brilliant sunset, she leaves her stuffy room to enjoy this moment of beauty in her torrid world.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
At it again
Here I am, Sunday evening, needing sleep and unable to accomplish it. The only thing I've uttered in the last hour is "I'm overwhelmed". It softly exhaled out of my mouth without me knowing it was coming. And that subconscious escape was spot on. I am moving in with my grandmother within the week, need to buy a new car, have a budding relationship (that I am currently freaking out about,) need to figure out my school stuff, have to find a home for my cat...so on and so forth.
I feel as if my life has been flipped upside down, well, I know it has, so it's an appropriate feeling. I still have to pack up the majority of my place and I don't know when I will be able to move stuff to my grandmothers, because that responsibility was handed off to my aunt who's in town, and with that transference I was taken out of the loop. Which isn't a good thing for a micromanaging control freak like me. I'm trying to completely downsize, this means getting rid of things that I have acquired over the years that I found to be a great resource, aesthetically pleasing, or just part of my collection of shit that I like to call "mine". This hasn't been easy for me, and with all the other shit loaded on top of it I have more or less shut down.
This shutting down means I want to sabotage all the good things in my life, and those things are work and the wonderful man. I want to just tell my job to shove it until I have all this other stuff figured out, and I want to just distance myself (even more) from the wonderful man. As is, I have been so busy I rarely see him, and when I do, I feel so preoccupied I'm sure he feels like he's dating a reanimated corpse, sans the zombie thrill. But the thing is, I also want to cling to him. I want him around me to support me, to make me feel like I have a place in my crazy world, but I can't ask him for that...well, I did actually. I asked if he wanted to help me pack, and I was met with disgust. I think his words were "If I were moving I wouldn't expect you to pack up my shit" Not gonna lie, that one stung, and he has every right to say it, it's my shit, it's all my shit. It was my choice to move in with a stranger I call "Gramma", it was my choice to accumulate so many useless things, it was my choice to procrastinate my responsibilities and act on the frivolities, it's my shit...but now, in essence he too is part of my "shit". Or at least I want him to be...at this point I don't know if he is feeling the same way...and I just want to give it up instead of seeing if I'm wrong.
This is what I do, I would much rather cut and run than allow anyone to hurt me. If I hurt me that is something I can deal with, if I allow someone else to hurt me that equates to weakness for me. I don't like to be vulnerable, and I don't like to allow others the knowledge that I am anything but impervious. UPDATE! So, he just sent me an email, wants to make me dinner, AND introduce me to a friend of his...this would be a first. See...freaking out for no reason. Phew!
And instead of dwelling on all that other shit, I'm going to get off of here, bask in the glow of his wonderful thoughtfulness, and request my body rest the way it needs to.
Night
HMR
I feel as if my life has been flipped upside down, well, I know it has, so it's an appropriate feeling. I still have to pack up the majority of my place and I don't know when I will be able to move stuff to my grandmothers, because that responsibility was handed off to my aunt who's in town, and with that transference I was taken out of the loop. Which isn't a good thing for a micromanaging control freak like me. I'm trying to completely downsize, this means getting rid of things that I have acquired over the years that I found to be a great resource, aesthetically pleasing, or just part of my collection of shit that I like to call "mine". This hasn't been easy for me, and with all the other shit loaded on top of it I have more or less shut down.
This shutting down means I want to sabotage all the good things in my life, and those things are work and the wonderful man. I want to just tell my job to shove it until I have all this other stuff figured out, and I want to just distance myself (even more) from the wonderful man. As is, I have been so busy I rarely see him, and when I do, I feel so preoccupied I'm sure he feels like he's dating a reanimated corpse, sans the zombie thrill. But the thing is, I also want to cling to him. I want him around me to support me, to make me feel like I have a place in my crazy world, but I can't ask him for that...well, I did actually. I asked if he wanted to help me pack, and I was met with disgust. I think his words were "If I were moving I wouldn't expect you to pack up my shit" Not gonna lie, that one stung, and he has every right to say it, it's my shit, it's all my shit. It was my choice to move in with a stranger I call "Gramma", it was my choice to accumulate so many useless things, it was my choice to procrastinate my responsibilities and act on the frivolities, it's my shit...but now, in essence he too is part of my "shit". Or at least I want him to be...at this point I don't know if he is feeling the same way...and I just want to give it up instead of seeing if I'm wrong.
This is what I do, I would much rather cut and run than allow anyone to hurt me. If I hurt me that is something I can deal with, if I allow someone else to hurt me that equates to weakness for me. I don't like to be vulnerable, and I don't like to allow others the knowledge that I am anything but impervious. UPDATE! So, he just sent me an email, wants to make me dinner, AND introduce me to a friend of his...this would be a first. See...freaking out for no reason. Phew!
And instead of dwelling on all that other shit, I'm going to get off of here, bask in the glow of his wonderful thoughtfulness, and request my body rest the way it needs to.
Night
HMR
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